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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it