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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.