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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.