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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.