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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?