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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen