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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Iām just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I only have one word for women who look at me like Iām some kind of sex object ... Hi.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P