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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: Iām getting laid.....off.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.