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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
It should really be called teethpaste.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.