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How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.