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Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.