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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
insert coin to view my status
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.