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Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
insert coin to view my status
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you