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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"