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My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude