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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?