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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".