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If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.