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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.