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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.