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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.