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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!