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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I never finish anyth...............
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.