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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.