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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.