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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.