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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you