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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
“The darndest things.” -kids
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.