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If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?