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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat