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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.