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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?