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The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.