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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.