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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.