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You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.