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Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m