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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.