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The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
i only drink on days that end with y
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.