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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.