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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Ride me like you stole me.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.