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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.