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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"