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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.