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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here