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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.