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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.