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Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.