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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I