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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!