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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
My body needs a refresh button.