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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.