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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Very productive day today, turd-wise
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.