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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.