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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.