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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Hello...
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.