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According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
A slug is just a divorced snail.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"