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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
What about a To-Don`t List?
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things