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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
No great story started with someone drinking water.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.