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Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.