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A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?