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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Own the day
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors