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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
How Big is Infinity?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.