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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
You can`t be late until you show up