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The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.