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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.