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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!