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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?