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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!