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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
This status has been censored by Facebook
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store