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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?