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The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?