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Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"