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According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.