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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.