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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.