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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?