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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.