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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.