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I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!