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I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
It’s a status….not your diary…
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball