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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.