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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.