Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.