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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.