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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one