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I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!