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I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I give myself the best presents.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.