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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.