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Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.