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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.