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Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.