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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.