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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.