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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.