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I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.