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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point