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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time