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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much Iām going to eat this week.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.