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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.