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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.