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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Haters gonna hate, your honor
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity