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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.