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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Better late than pregnant.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.