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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.