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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...